Infant & Toddler Sleep: The Disconnect Between Biological Needs & Cultural Norms
Never nurse him to sleep, that’s a terrible habit. You’ll spoil him. You need to get him on a schedule. He needs to learn how to “self-soothe.” You need to start using a pacifier. He’s manipulating you. Don’t let him sleep on you. You need to let someone else feed him with a bottle. Take control of your sleep, mama. Just let him cry it out, he won’t even remember it. You deserve a break. You deserve a full night of sleep. Whatever you do, don’t let him in your bed.
These are statements that I heard or read on a daily basis for the first few months of my son’s life. Not days, not weeks, but months. I felt like I couldn’t escape these comments… they were coming from everywhere. Strangers in the grocery store. Comments on social media. I even had old acquaintances call & leave voicemails saying things like “Hey! Congratulations! I’m just calling to make sure you knew that you should never nurse your baby to sleep.” True story. So what happens when your intuition for what’s best for your child goes against nearly all the advice you’re given? What happens when your infant only nurses to sleep? What happens when he refuses to take a bottle or pacifier? What happens when he won’t sleep anywhere else but on your chest? What happens when these are the very things that help you bond with your child? I guess the better question is- what happens when culture vilifies the choices that you know are not only right for you and your child, but are biologically appropriate as well?
So here I am, 2 weeks postpartum. Caterpillar eyebrows, pregnancy melasma, & hair slowly morphing into one giant dreadlock. I was a zombie. My nights were spent trying to get Koa into a bassinet, only to have him cry every time I set him down. I was sleeping maybe 1-2 hours total. I had chronic migraines from sleep-deprivation that actually kept me from sleeping. When I finally could get Koa into a bassinet without him crying, my body automatically woke up every 2 minutes in a panic to check on him. I felt like I was fighting my own biology. Out of desperation one night, I finally laid Koa next to me in bed, and we fell both asleep. Our sleep cycles synced, he nursed every couple of hours without fully waking either of us up, and I woke up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. We have bed-shared ever since, and I plan to as long as he is nursing.
The newborn stage was the sweetest, yet loneliest season of my life (up until that point). I was physically & emotionally healing from my unplanned c-section (read Koa’s birth story here), and my biggest priority was nurturing a strong bond between myself & my baby boy. I made decisions out of pure survival instincts & listening to my child’s needs… and yet those were the very things that were deemed “terrible habits.” I clung to the sweet words of the handful of people that supported me, and I probably asked myself 100 times “Was I born in the wrong century? Can I go back to the time when family beds were the norm?” It actually IS still the norm, just not in the United States. Fast-forward to a few weeks in, and that’s when I discovered The Ministry of Parenting Your Baby by Dr. Sears. Finally, a lifeline. Every instinct, emotion, & decision not only validated…but backed with evidence. Thus began my journey of research about biological infant sleep, child brain development, ecological breastfeeding, and how culture influences the way that we parent.
Unfortunately, the journey doesn’t stop when your child is no longer a newborn. As my child got older, comments went from “don’t let him sleep on you” to “is he sleeping through the night yet?” A recent study in the official journal of the AAP found that 57% of parents reported that their 6 month old does not sleep through the night, and 43% of parents reported that their 1 year old does not sleep through the night (in the study, sleeping through the night was defined by 8 hours). Night waking is developmentally appropriate for infants and toddlers, so the unrealistic pressure & expectation for our babies to sleep through the night is unfounded. These unrealistic ideas, among others, are an enormous burden for new mothers to carry… especially when their peers describe their babies as “good babies” because they slept through the night at an early age.
“If we condemn infants for completely normal behavior, we disconnect ourselves not only from our babies, but from our instincts.” - Tracy, raisedgood.com
The most difficult task is discerning what is right for your chid, knowing that there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all model. So how do we discover + value our intuition in a culture that doesn’t? This is exactly what women like Taylor Kulik are fighting for. Taylor is an Occupational Therapist & Baby-Led Sleep + Well-Being Specialist. She has dedicated her career to supporting and empowering motherly intuition. I believe whole-heartedly in her philosophy that “the health and well-being of the mother & baby are interconnected, and not mutually exclusive.” She works one-on-one with parents to help them find holistic sleep solutions that are not only founded on responsive + respectful parenting principles, but that the parents enjoy. When I first discovered her page, I knew I wanted to interview her for my blog, because she is THE resource that I wish I would have had as a new mom. Her knowledge & wisdom have tremendously helped me better understand + validate the needs of my nursing, bed-sharing toddler. Side note- she & I graduated from the same department at Texas A&M University! Taylor has generously given her time to answer some questions that I hope will be helpful & encouraging for moms of littles.
What inspired you to become a Baby-Led Sleep & Well Being Specialist?
My own journey of becoming a mother and navigating the infant sleep world definitely inspired me to become a Baby-Led Sleep & Well-being Specialist. I'm an occupational therapist, and natural development has always been an interest of mine, but unfortunately, we did not learn much about biological infant sleep in school. I absolutely fell into the trap that many new parents do of resisting nursing, rocking, and holding by baby to sleep, resisting bedsharing, and trying to get her on a rigid schedule. It was the most difficult 6 months of my life! I felt so disconnected and confused. I felt like a failure because I was reading all of the sleep blogs and sleep schedules, and nothing I did was working for my baby. I felt in my soul that I did not want to let my baby cry herself to sleep, but the immense external pressure I felt convinced me that I needed to try various forms of sleep training. Fortunately, we didn't last long because it felt so wrong, and I finally surrendered to my daughter's needs.
That was when I decided that I wanted to use my background as an occupational therapist to support new moms! We are faced with so much conflicting information, but most of it is not accurate. I didn't know exactly how I would be supporting new parents at the time, but I began researching biological infant sleep and my world was rocked. I started safely bedsharing out of necessity, and I wish so much that I had done it sooner. I was finally able to just enjoy my baby and release some of my anxiety surrounding sleep. I became really passionate about promoting and educating parents on what normal infant sleep looks like, and I soon found the Baby-Led Sleep & Well-being Specialist program. I was instantly intrigued, and I knew it was the perfect decision in my career to allow me to more holistically support new parents who do not want to sleep train.
In your opinion, what is the biggest obstacle that moms face today when it comes to infant sleep?
There is so much external pressure, opinions, and misinformation! While having so much information at our fingertips is a blessing, I also think it's a curse and one of the biggest obstacles in finding yourself as a parent. The majority of the information you can find online about infant sleep is just not correct. Even if you are not googling "how to get my newborn on a schedule", it's difficult for any new parent to escape the incessant comments and questions about sleep. Navigating all of that information is so hard, and it's easy to doubt yourself. I still have moments when I doubt what I'm doing after reading something or hearing about how another child is sleeping and playing the comparison game.
Why do you think that so many of us new mothers struggle with listening to our God-given intuition?
I think that we have created a society of mothers (parents) that have really lost touch their intuition. This isn't the fault of parents! Even in our youth, we are bombarded with messages that we cannot trust ourselves or our bodies. We are told to trust medical doctors and pharmaceutical products with even our most minor ailments, without ever being told that our lifestyle and nutrition can greatly impact our health and wellness. Young women are taught very little about their fertility and menstrual cycles. We are not empowered to take charge of our fertility and most are not even aware that they can track their cycles to know when they are fertile! Instead, we are encouraged to take hormonal birth control pills, which have a plethora of side effects and risks. This is the beginning of the disempowerment of women- we are encouraged to become passive participants in our health, wellness, and fertility. We are bombarded with fear-based messages surrounding birth and conditioned to fear our bodies. It is frowned upon to question our doctors- we should just go along with whatever they say because "they're the experts." We aren't given good information about how to prepare our bodies for childbirth, which only exacerbates the idea that we are passive participants in our pregnancy and birth. Then, once our baby is here, we are told that our instincts are wrong. We need to put our babies down so that we don't spoil them, we need to stop responding to their cries at night, and we need to put them on a feeding schedule. These same doctors that we have been conditioned to trust, without questioning, are the ones telling us this. After that lifetime of conditioning, I think it takes far more work and unlearning to be able to actually trust our God-given intuition!
How can moms navigate through messages like "your baby needs to self-soothe," or "co-sleeping is dangerous," or "nursing to sleep is a bad habit"?
Throw out the books! If only it were that easy. It's so hard to navigate that information. I think that parents really need to try to tune out the surrounding noise and focus on what their heart tells them. I also think understanding the developing brain and what our children are actually capable of is HUGE. That is why I focus so much of what I share and the support I offer to families on education. It becomes a lot easier once you understand how your child is developing and realize that nature has a plan. If we allow nature to unfold as intended, which means inviting our children to depend on us and always offering connection, our children will thrive. Parents need to take a step back to see the bigger picture. It's easy to get caught up in short-term goals (getting baby sleeping through the night, self-soothing, weaning etc.), but when you actually take a step back ask yourself "Why?", it becomes more clear. Our culture is not conducive to being a mother or being a baby. It seems pretty ridiculous when you actually think about it, but it is just not true that the majority of babies have sleep problems that need to be solved. There is a reason that babies sleep the way they do. We need to work with nature rather than fighting it. If you are given a message or piece of advice that goes against what your intuition is telling you or it just feels wrong, lean in to that.
Do you have any tips for moms to optimize their sleep in the newborn phase and beyond?
As hard as it is, try to relax and give in to the chaos and inconsistency for a little while. Our babies pick up on our stress, and if we are always stressed when we are trying to get them to sleep, we will likely find that sleep challenges increase. We can make sleep a relaxing and safe place to be and remain.
Manage your expectations. If your expectations are unrealistic and unreasonable, you are likely to be disappointed when your baby does not live up to your expectations. Having reasonable, developmentally appropriate expectations can be so helpful to cultivate a positive mindset and to cope with the most challenging sleep times.
Don't be afraid to cuddle, nurse, rock, bounce your baby to sleep! It is normal for babies to need support to get to sleep. This is not a bad habit. You can try to build your toolkit of ways to support your child to sleep so that you (and other caregivers) have lots of options.
Create a safe bedsharing space, even if you don't intend to bedshare full time. The majority of breastfeeding mothers bedshare at least some of the time, so it is best to be prepared for that. Having a space ready for you can be the best thing during a rough night when everyone just needs to get some sleep in a pinch. It is far more dangerous to fall asleep with your baby on a couch or rocking chair than in a safely set-up bed.
Mom's sleep matters too! It's not always easy to sleep when the baby sleeps as the popular piece of advice goes, but as parents, we can make sure that we are not sabotaging the opportunity we do have to sleep. Limiting blue light from electronics 1-2 hours before bed, incorporating some preferred relaxing activities into a bedtime routine, enlisting help to get tasks of your to-do list, making sure you are eating nourishing foods can all be helpful to optimize your own sleep.
Sleep is not linear. Celebrate the little victories, but don't get too caught up in them that you are utterly destroyed when your baby suddenly goes through a difficult sleep phase. It will happen throughout the first couple of years! Take it day by day.